Merry “Happy 500 Days” Christmas

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Merry “Happy 500 Days” Christmas!

Well, Christmas day was 500 days for my husband and me.  500 days of what?  500 days of learning what it means to start surrendering your life and marriage to your heavenly father.  500 days of learning what it means to be SECOND.  The hardest 500 days of my life.  For 500 days we’ve consistently been in God’s word and prayed together and I can guarantee you without a shadow of a doubt that is why our marriage is still intact. It was through Him not us. It was because of Him not us and it will always be that way.

As Christmas day approached I couldn’t help but think about the gift that came to earth for me and for you, the gift that was sent from God his Son.  His Son came just so he could be our rescue from this world.   It was overwhelming to say the least, to think that my 500 days actually started with Christmas!  Christmas was the day that Christ made the huge sacrifice, descending to this horrible ole crummy earth to walk and live just so that he could eventually hang on a cross and die for our sins. 

We Made it…

we made it to another Christmas, but unfortunately even though my mind knows who to trust in, it didn’t take long before the anxiety of starting a new and another year sets in.  2012 was the worst year of my life, 2013 we were still learning how to come out of 2012 and it certainly brought its own hurts and loss.  2014 scares me to death, my little earthly mind wonders what hurt is around the corner and what the New Year holds for us and if it’s survivable.

Then I heard of an idea, “Looking at the New Year with eyes of FAITH.”  Could be a possibility, but can I do it?

I think that instead of looking at 2014 with and through eyes of fear I need to be determined to look through eyes of FAITH. 

I need to trump the thoughts of what now, with WHAT does GOD have for me?  As day 500 passed, and the Holidays are almost over, I’m easily swarmed with feelings of how and why, fears of how to stretch the dollars of a single income while my husband looks for work and fears of if sexual addictions are really gone.  On the other hand I can rest in assurance that God has this, has had this and will have it!  I can rest in him and trust that every step is according to God’s plan and that my only job every minute of the day is to submit to the authority of the word and my heavenly father’s shaping hands.

I’ll be honest, part of me fears is that my God will let go or that he’ll take a break and that he’s not going to be standing there in 2014 waiting for us, however according to the word– that’s not so.  I know that he tells me through his word that he has never thrown away something in which he began his work.  We are his workmanship and in Ephesians it tells us that.  He doesn’t discard his children, he doesn’t discard me, and I shouldn’t fear 2014.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Ephesians 2:10

So bring it on 2014, because with my Lord, myself, my husband and my marriage has already weathered revelations and acknowledgments of sex addictions, adultery, habitual lying, financial problems, work related ethical issues that lead to more financial problems and loss of work, multiple reasons to have trust issues and so much more yet we still stand– the three of us, my Husband, my savior and myself. 

Dear Lord,

Please give me the strength to enter 2014 with instead of fear, FAITH—with a focus on YOU and mot me or my circumstances.  May I be a daughter of yours that is continually shaped and used by you this year.  It’s your year; I’m just here to live out your will not mine.  Give me the strength to continually seek you in everything that I do every day of the week.  Please help me be the wife that you want me to be, the mom that you want me to be, the friend and co-worker that you want me to be.  Fulfill in me what you have planned.  Dear Lord, please protect my husband. Please deliver and heal him from head to toe, inside and out.  Please protect his eyes, his mind, his heart. Please guide his thoughts, his hands and his feet.  Dear father, please protect my daughter from the things of this world and what has been brought into our marriage.  Please help her to not feel the sting of her parent’s wrong choices but help her see the commitment to you and each other that now resides.  Thank you, I love you and I need you. 

All NEW-He wants all NEW! (Day 448)

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Last Fall, I find out my husband battled sexual addiction his entire life.  Over the last 15 months I’ve realized the full impact of the addiction and how it’s affected his and my life.  My husband began cheating on me just 12 weeks into my marriage.  Never knew, never.  This continued for 14 years with his mind and body, and there I was loving him through it all. Eyes wide shut, so naive.

Last fall brought the secret into the light, but not every secret came into the light that day.  God has little by little continued to expose my husband’s sins.  I feel compassion for him.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry at all for making his own bad choices—not at all, but I hate, no I detest that Satan has had such a hold on his life for so long that it’s like undergoing painful brain surgery removing the trash.  I truly believe my God is saying, “clean up on Isle three, Clean up”!  God’s not letting go, he wants ALL NEW or nothing at all!

Romans 6:1-2

“What should we say then?”  Should we continue to sin so that grace my multiply? Absolutely not!  How can we who died to sin still live in it?

Recently, my husband said he’s realized he’s been taking advantage of God’s grace his entire life.  That really made me think, I thought  how sad, how sad that we all have an opportunity to have a fully engaged, active, & talkative, relationship with our Heavenly Father but we keep our distance at times so we can feed our self… an addiction, engage in that emotional affair, or hold onto a favorite old sin that we don’t want to give up.  Grace covers all sin right?  Yes!  Grace covers all sin for those that truly want a relationship with Christ, for those that desire to yield to his ways and truly want a relationship with their Heavenly Father.  You eventually have to surrender; you eventually have to also want ALL NEW!  How can we who died to sin still live in it?  Ya’ll we know this answer… if we are living in it, we have not died to it. 

Romans 6:4

“Therefore we were buried with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too may walk in a new way of life.”

NEW way of life ya’ll!  I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe the Christian walk that my God has laid out for us mean one foot in a life of lies and one foot in the life of church goin, mission work and Wednesday night suppers.  New life means NEW! A NEW way, meaning, not the old way. 

Romans 7:6

“But now we have been released from the law, since we have been released from the law, since we have died to what held us, so that we may serve in the new way of the spirit and not in the old letter of the law.”

Died to what held us…”, We must die ya’ll!  Die to self, die to the wants of this world, die to how we used to make choices, die to the things we used to look at, die to the old thoughts in our minds.  We as Christians have the greatest gift offered to us in the world, why can’t we just let go and accept that we CAN have ALL NEW, God wants this for us!  Why can’t we just jump in with both feet and take what God has for us?  The answer is Satan.  He’s at work, don’t misunderstand me he has not conquered this world like my God has however satan is busy.  He’s busy and working very hard to lead as many of God’s children away as possible.  My bible says that I can serve “in the NEW way of the spirit.”  I want to and I don’t want to look back.

So Today ya’ll, I’m claiming NEW…. I will not lie down and believe that loving my husband in continued sin is what my Lord has for me and our marriage.  I refuse to believe this. I will not believe this.  I will plead the blood of Jesus over him each day, I will bind satan in his precious name and I will stand firm in what I know, and what I know is that my God wants ALL OF HIM and wants ALL NEW for him and all of us!

Dear heavenly father, I’m exhausted, I’m tired, and I’m weary. 

Almost every day I think being in Heaven with you would be better, well in fact I know it would and I do look forward to it Lord but only according to your timing!  Lord, father, I know that you have a purpose for my husband, my marriage and my family.  I have seen you work miracles since last fall and seen a man who could hardly open the word to a man who is reminding me that it’s time to read the word and pray.  Lord, I know your word we’ve read has planted like a seed and that you are growing it. 

Lord, I love the way that you keep exposing my husband’s lies, and thank you.  I love that you aren’t tolerating any self-reliance anymore and that you are continually reminding him how much you want him, all of him, the NEW him that you want him to be and thank you.

Thank you Lord, please give me the strength to endure the trials that come from his consequence.  Please help me to be the wife you’ve called me to be. Help me to love my husband the way you want me to love.  Love through me, please Lord, I need your help desperately.

Thank you Lord, Amen.

 

His Grand Rescue Plan

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CR 13 Los Guido scenery

A Grand Rescue Plan 2500 Miles Away:

My husband, my daughter and I recently returned for a second time from a third world country where we spent a week ministering to others in hope that we could help the missionary and his team earn the right to share the Gospel. 

We’ve supported a girl there with school uniforms for the last three years and this time we had the opportunity to purchase some food staples and hand deliver them to her and her family in her village. How exciting, in my mind I thought what next?  We’re already supporting her so that she can go to school, we provide presents during the holiday’s and in-between, and now we are able to provide a month’s grocery’s and leave more money behind for more.  I quickly realized that I was concentrating on what we were doing, what I could do—not what God could do.

After further discussion with the missionary, my husband and I realized that we were not her rescuers.  Unfortunately as refugees in this country, the likelihood of her even making it to high-school or out of the circumstances she was born into was not going to happen.

The missionary reminded us the reason for being there and doing the things we do, he does and his ministry team did was to earn the right to share the gospel, to be a conduit, and to be used by Jesus and the Holy Spirit so that she can have a relationship with Christ herself – to be rescued by him – to receive VICTORY! 

God can rescue Aimee and he can rescue us.  I love the thought that my Creator of the universe wants a personal relationship with each of us.

Relationship, it’s a big word.  Relationship is not just something that is; it’s something that is built.  I never had a true relationship with the Lord.  I realized last fall that I had lived my entire life working out my salvation, being a good person, but never building a true relationship, meaning no dialogue between myself and my heavenly father, my savior, the one who has rescued me, the one that provides eternal VICTORY!

A Grand Rescue Plan at Home:

“What I have done, is wake up every morning and cry out to God for help to be the wife that he wants me to be.”

I was reminded Sunday in a friend’s sermon all about the Victory that we can find in Jesus.  If you’re a southern girl like me and have ever graced the door of a Southern Baptist country church, you might have heard these words. 

“I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood’s atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.”

Sound familiar to anyone?                                                                                          

My friend asked the questions, “Do we live in the mire of the pain or do we allow God to move us to a place of Victory?  Victory is a common theme in our Savior’s life but do we truly believe it?”

My goal should be to allow Jesus to take my scars and do something very different with them, different from what I could ever imagine.  We all have scars, lost jobs, hurt relationships, deaths, infidelity, addictions and so many more.

Do we truly give it to the Lord; do we truly ask him to take this hurt, this pain and turn it into what he wants?  Our goal has to be to allow Jesus to take our scars and do something very different than we could ever imagine.

He reminded us, “What if there is a reason for having this scar, a reason for why God allowed this thing to happen in your life”?

The beautiful ending to our stories is that Jesus can bring victory amidst of the pain.  I don’t know about you but despite the hurt in my life over the almost last 11 months I claim victory, VICTORY IN JESUS.

“No, in all these things we are more than victorious
through Him who loved us.”  (Romans 8:37)

I love that no matter what our little girl Aimee has encountered, they can; we can go forward from that.  No matter what has happened in their life or ours we can go forward with Christ with personal relationship and have VICTORY!  He has a grand rescue plan for each of us.

If you are overwhelmed by pain and hurt, know that Jesus wants to overshadow you  in his love.  I’m not saying the road is easy.  It has been the hardest thing to do.  To wake up every morning and say today I’m going to be an encouraging, supportive, loving wife to a recovering sex addict would be inaccurate.  What I have tried to do is wake up every morning and cry out to God for help to be the wife that he —that God — wants me to be.

“Now I know that the Lord gives victory to His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
with mighty victories from[a] His right hand.”  (Psalm 20:6)

 “Dear Lord, take my scars and turn them into what you want them to be.  Please continue to give us strength to seek your face and will daily.  Please use me and my husband.  Please bring beauty from the ashes.  Thank you that you’ve always had a grand rescue plan in mind and that through you we have VICTORY,  Amen.”

A New Birth-9 Months Later

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“A New Birth – 9 Months Later”

“By his own choice he gave us a new birth by the message of the truth so that he would be the first fruits of his creatures.” James 1:18

When most people hear nine months, they think of babies, new births and the wonderful months that lead up to that birth.  When I hear nine months I think of how nine months ago our world changed.  More than just a change of not knowing to knowing or from living in denial of what I thought our marriage was to wishing I still was in denial. It was a change of the heart that began in both my husband and I. This change of heart began amidst the hurt, agony and disbelief. This change of heart began despite what was happening in our marriage and despite what had happened.

Our Lord promises us in his word that he will give us new birth and not just any new birth but specifically new birth by the message of the truth. I love what the HCSB notes say about this verse.
“Message of truth refers to the gospel by which new birth comes. First fruits refer to the best that the harvest produces. God gives us good gifts that yield wondrous fruit, not temptation that leads to death through wayward desires.”  Praise him!

After that August 12th Sunday morning my husband and I found ourselves flat on our face before our heavenly father. We began (I don’t know how-I know this was a God thing) the next morning in the word and prayer together and have for the last 247 days (9 Months).
What if we had not fallen on our face before God together? What if we would have not went to the Truth (the Word) and prayer? Would we have encountered new birth? Would we have seen the hand of God begin to restore our dead and broken marriage?
August 5th, five days later God gave us Isaiah 43:18-19, we actually both wear this

verse on a leather bracelet every day.  Here is what he said.

“Do not remember the past events (oh my …so hard), pay no attention to things of old.  Look I’m about to do something new, even now it is coming.  Do you not see it?  Indeed I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”

When I read this verse now I shudder at the sheer magnificence and authoritative way God started working in our lives and marriage.  He was telling us that morning that he was in control.

Does the Lord want to give you a new birth, a new life?  I implore you to fall flat on your face, laying it all down and asking him to take control.  It started that day and has been a process for us, but a journey that I’m so glad we are on.  How sad it would be if we were still drawing away from each other and Christ. 

1 Peter 1:3 says, “Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ according to his great mercy, he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” 

We are guaranteed new life through Jesus Christ our Lord! We all are!

I’m praising hiss all day long for what he has done, is doing and will do in our marriage and for that matter anyone’s life that will totally surrender.  Because of the cross my husband doesn’t have to live any longer with sexual addiction, my marriage didn’t have to continue on the road to destruction.  Remember what 1 Peter 1:3 says, “…God gives us good gifts that yield wondrous fruit, not temptation that leads to death through wayward desires.”   Hallelujah we are not chained to our addictions but have new life through the message and a new birth into living hope because of the cross! 

Last thought for today:

I love the song “Restore” by Chris August, it has resonated with me in such a special way.

“…But right now if their being honest

They don’t know if they’ll stay together

Let’s fast forward to the future

After struggling on their own

They finally figured out they needed

Jesus in the middle

Now I’m watching God rebuild their home.

The enemy tries to come and divide

Trying to get us to give up the fight

But darkness will always lose out to light

Cause we’ve got the power of Christ on our side…”

 

Continued Journal Entries:

9-16-2012:  Today I heard a story about a Ugandan woman named Mercy.  I learned of how hard her life has been.  I feel like the Lord is saying your life could be so much harder.  My family is all alive and well, move forward with me child and truly live out the life I have for you.  I feel like the Lord is saying to me that I’ve been trying to live as a Christian with no dialogue, no true relationship… sad thing is…he’s right.

9-17-2012:  Today God gives us Colossians:13, 23-25, Here and in many places in the bible God talks about forgiving, just as forgave us…..THIS IS HARD! HELP! All over Ephesians, Mathew, Luke, Colossians it talks of this.

9-19-2012:  I’ve come to an empty place…Wilderness within my soul. It does not satisfy me anymore…I have to follow after God’s own heart.  It’s all been lip service, one day I want to be able to tell of his faithfulness. I’m now broken beyond recognition, we are not the same people, we are God’s not Satan’s.

9-21-2012:  Today I have to leave town for work for the first time overnight since all this happen.  Dear Lord please give me peace while gone. 

9-24-2012:  Today I’m better than yesterday and better than the day before only by the grace of my loving Jesus…he is truly my strength.  Today is my birthday.  Psalm 16:1,2,5,8

9-25-2012:  I love being in bible study with my husband, however I look over often at times and get MAD…MAD at what he did…I can’t even begin to describe how I still feel a little over a month out now.  I feel very alone sometimes.  Psalm 23:4 really spoke to me today.

9-26-2012:  I have been amazed at how close I have felt to my King but it comes from constant communication… something I’ve never had before.  Philippians 4:19, There is only one hero…We all need to be rescued… His name is JESUS!  There’s no perfect man or woman… We all have imperfections that we bring into our marriages. Genesis 2:20 and 3:7-15.  Adam and eve were pulling away because of the sin that was in their life. It was affecting their marriage.  WE are all sinful and self-centered. There is no perfect person.  It’s something that we have to realize every day… It’s not just about my husband changing it’s about us both changing.  I had built up so much resentment…yet I was so far from God myself.  We had become roommates totally.  I had pushed things under the rug for so long…that’s what the devil wanted… he wanted us to stop talking.  I believe in his redemption, his renewal and his transformation.  If we are connecting to God it will connect everywhere…I need to stop worrying about him and make sure my relationship with Christ is the first priority.  Holiness is the goal for us together, that’s the purpose of our marriage now!  Ephesians 5:22-32,  this should provide freedom.  Jesus designed marriage to make us more holy not happy.

9-28-2012:  It’s hard for me to read John 8.  To see the word adulterer.  I am thankful though that God is a God of second chances.  I love that he loves my husband and that he cares for our marriage. I love that we can lean on our heavenly father. 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I don’t belong.

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“I belong to a God that has not left me through this time in my life. I belong to a savior that amidst all trials, struggles, and tribulations has loved me and never wavered.  I am his child and I belong to him.  I belong.”

 

“I feel like I don’t belong”.

I feel like I have not belonged.  I feel like throughout the last 8 months I have been caged in someone else’s story, someone else’s life, and someone else’s misery.

I have thought, “This is not my life, it couldn’t be”.  The thing is… it was and it is.

God knew this would be my life.  God knew what these 8 months were going to hold for my husband and I.  The Lord knew the struggles he would go through to resist the temptations of his former sexual addiction, he knew the feelings I would have of betrayal,  and he knew the love that he would pour out on us.

The love he has shown us, I do belong to.  I belong to a God that has not left me through this time in my life. I belong to a savior that amidst all trials, struggles, and tribulations has loved me and never wavered.  I am his child and I belong to him.  I belong.

I continue this blog with journal entries picking up at the end of last August, just weeks after realizing my husband’s addiction and realizing just how far from God we had driven ourselves.

 

8-28-12: A little over two weeks after.

And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb.  And the spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come.  Whoever desires let him take the water of life freely.  Revelation 22:1, 17 NKJV)

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”  Revelation 21:4 NKJV

 8-31-2012:

God reminds me every day just as I thirst for water for my earthly body, I should thirst for his word and him in my life and that in both ways only he the author and creator of our world can quench. Powerful God we serve!

9-5-2012:

1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.

Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Oh God that is what I claim!

9-9-2012:

Today the Casting Crown song comes on, The Voice of Truth.  This song really says it all.  Jesus is the voice of truth and I choose to listen and believe despite my sufferings.

9-12-2012:

Today is one month from life crashing down around me as I knew it.  One month from God grabbing us up from the trenches of sin and loving us!

The Lord gave us this scripture today, this is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.  Isaiah 30:15

Oh God I want it!

Also, the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divign power to demolish strongholds.

I pray every day Lord that you will demolish any strongholds in mine and my husbands life.

My husband decided to resign as our Sunday school teacher.  I’m so glad.  I’m ready to just be members of the class with him.  I just can’t sit under him teaching any more.  This will give us time to heal and learn together under another teacher.

God reminds me today that the lies we have held on to are nothing in the shadow of the cross. Praise God.

Also today a friend sent to me a reminder of the verse where Jesus tells someone that he must forgive 70 times 7.  My prayer is that I can do this.

9-13-12:

I turned on the contemporary Christian music station this morning and the song playing is titled…”Seventy times Seven” the very song my friend shared with me yesterday.

I GET IT LORD! 

Dear heavenly father, I was made to fulfill a purpose, please show me that purpose.  I can’t understand why this had to be my life, and why I have to go through these, messy, dirty, awful struggles.  Thank you that your glory does meet my suffering.

 

“I’m still crying out the very same thing.  Lord I want my heartache to heal and for this to all go away, but ultimately, I want your will to be done

 

Does Jesus know my suffering, does he understand what I’m going through?

What I couldn’t see within the first month of this new pain was that Jesus knew what I was going through.  Now 227 days later I can see that Jesus walked on earth and was human, although perfect, but Human.

Jesus experienced suffering.  We think of the cross as the only place of sacrifice that he made.  Sacrifices weren’t just made on the cross; it began when he descended from heaven to earth.  Jesus gave up being with his father.  The greatest of riches and the beauty of the highest court didn’t and still today does not compare to what he left in Heaven.

It all began in the manger.  His life was walking sacrifices here on earth.  He was obedient in the face of suffering.  Have I been?  Are we?  Jesus learned through sufferings.  Think about the garden of Gethsemane.  He was so stressed that blood vessels in his forehead were popping. Jesus cried out…Lord if there is any other way, take this cup away from me…but let your will prevail.

I’m still crying out the very same thing.  Lord I want my heartache to heal and for this to all go away, but ultimately, I want your will to be done.

Friends, there is no situation in life where we can say; God doesn’t know what this is like.  He does.  He knows.  He sees.  He desires to be an integral part of it and he has a plan.

Jesus was obedient in the face of the most extreme suffering–Something to really think about as we near Easter Sunday.

Lord help me be obedient during my time of suffering, give me your strength.

 

“I’m not alone, and I do belong.”

 

 

 

 

 

A Heart in Tug of War

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 “The heart that has been crushed beyond all recognition and the heart that still loves are in constant tug of war.”

Say what?  Shock is what it was.   We quickly became flat on the floor, crying and weeping.  We were the kind of flat that maybe a servant would display before their king.  We were the kind of flat where you don’t want to and maybe even can’t look up.  Maybe we were waiting on God to reach down and lift our face up—I’m not sure, but we eventually looked up and have since tried to fix our eyes on him.

Last August our eyes became wide open, before each other and before God.  On August 17th five days after a week of revelation into my husband’s other life, I began journaling.  All (or most) had been revealed on August 12th of a 27 year sexual addiction and the interesting thing is we headed straight to the word.  We did not know what else to do.  The very next morning on August 13th we began waking at 6, grabbing a cup of coffee and meeting back in the living room to begin our bible study.  Who knew Jesus Calling the bible Study would become such a ministry in our lives.  I hope to be able to share and tell Sarah Young one day how thankful I am that she followed the call of God on her life.

One bible study at a time has brought us to today.  I’m not saying that they haven’t been filled with tears, questions, and tons of heart ache but we have not given up.  Our time in the word has brought us to today DAY 197-Praise God.

My hope and prayer is that women who are enduring or has endured what I’m going through will somehow take encouragement from my words and what the Lord is doing in our lives. 

Here are my journal entries for the First two weeks:

August 17th:

Today God gave us Isaiah 43: 18-19,

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, [and] rivers in the desert.

We immediately knew this was our verse, we have clung to it ever since.

August 20th:

Even though I have had remarkable times with the Lord and amazingly enough also with my husband I feel such and overwhelming sense of hurt, anger, loneliness, resentment, and disgust.  I can’t stop thinking about him in bed with all of these other women.  Satan constantly reminds me that I’m now, or he wants me to think that I’m now his last choice since he was caught.  Satan wants me to think that the only reason he is changing is because he was caught.  Satan also wants me to feel that the last week of closeness I have felt with my Lord is not real.  When will Satan stop reminding me of all that has happened?  I feel like I could move on one day if I could just forget everything that has happened.  How do I wipe this from my memory?  How long will this take? How long?

 

August 21st:

Today in my Jesus Calling devotional it talks about how the Lord has chosen the path that I’m on.  It is both a privileged and a perilous way.

Today I’m realizing that a ton of the Old Testament tells about God’s promises to his people and what he is doing for them, a lot of going away from the Lord and coming back.  Oh God, take us back and don’t let my husband and I go.

 Today I’m reminded that God is a redeemer.  I’m reminded that he makes beautiful out of horrible and does all things well!  God has truly shown us who he is and what we mean to him.  I’m constantly reminded and here is where I’m getting bogged down, that I will receive much more joy if I forgive than hold onto this hurt.  How do I let go?  As the song by Mathew West says, “I’ll be the one loosing if I don’t”.

How, How?

August 23:

My thoughts.  Geesh… the Lord is reminding me today that I have to FORGIVE- once again.  I keep telling him that I just have gone through the biggest tragedy of my life, and it’s too soon!  He has reminded me today that I have to die to self to forgive.  Just like Christ.  Lord help me.

Dear Heavenly Father you remind me of things constantly, I’m in over load.  I need to remember the pledge you made to us.  You picked us up and have taken us in.  Thank you.

Today a friend sent me Jeremiah 24:6, 7

6. For I will set mine eyes upon them for good, and I will bring them again to this land: and I will build them, and not pull [them] down; and I will plant them, and not pluck [them] up. 7. And I will give them a heart to know me, that I [am] the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

Wow, what a verse, this has to be my prayer for my husband.   Dear Lord give my husband a heart to know you, please pull him in so he will be your people and you can be his God.  Create in him a new relationship between you and him.  Give me a new husband.  I pray he returns to you with his whole heart.

August 24th

Two weeks of bible study today, two weeks of a breaking heart.  Dear Lord deliver me from this misery.

Today this verse landed in my life!

Fear thou not; for I [am] with   thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I   will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my   righteousness.

 Oh Jesus let this be true.  I need your strength, I need your help and   I need you to hold me, not just hold me for Pete sakes, I need you to help me get out of bed.  God I feel like I’m dying down here.  Please hold me with your right hand of righteousness and anything else you have!!!!

 Well, those are the first two   weeks of thoughts from a girl that was just trying to make it through every day, just trying to even get out of the bed!    This has been the hardest thing in my life that I‘ve ever had to deal with.  I have been crushed, my heart   still needs so much repair, however; I’m in full belief that my God is big enough to do it.

 Dear heavenly father, I ask you to help me and help every woman or spouse that has ever had to feel the hurt we feel.  The heart that has been crushed beyond all recognition and the heart that still loves are in constant tug of war.  God, please   help the heart that loves to win.  Help my heart to learn to love as you do.  You have already forgiven; help me to forgive as you have forgiven me.  Amen.

                       

 

 

 

 

My Story- Eyes Wide Open

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The one person I had loved more than anyone or anything had betrayed me.  When I heard the words that told the story of a life of pornography and years and years of monthly visits with prostitutes we both collapsed.  Collapsed because it had zapped every bit of energy in our legs that we had.  Collapsed because it felt like we were being punched in the gut over and over.  Collapsed because “on the floor flat” before the Lord is exactly where Jesus wanted us to be.

Eyes wide shut.

My life began as a child with Christian parents who lead me to the Lord at the age of three.  You might think, that is young.  Yes it is.

Fast forward through church camp rededications and a life of “always there if the door was open”, and being great at the role of an evangelist daughter, I acquired a vast head knowledge of who God was and his love for us.  I believed that he had forgiven me of my sins, it was understood and I loved him for it.

Life was very safe and sheltered till high school.  During high school I began walking a crooked line between the life I had been taught to live and the life that Satan would rather I live.  This life was amiss of any dialogue between me and the Lord.  I had reached an age of accountability and maturity and there was no excuse for God to not be first.  Instead of making the choice to communicate with the one that loved me most my life reflected a shallow relationship with Christ.  The focus was on me.

College life only yielded the same. Never letting go and surrendering to the Lord.  Here I began refining a life of self-reliance.

So naturally the time came when I fell in love and married.  I found someone a lot like me with common interest and goals.  Goals?  That might be stretching it.  Who were we kidding; we were living in the moment.  Head over heals in love with the courtship we had been living and marriage was the next step.  Truth–I had found someone with the same talent as I, someone who was just as self-reliant as I was yet could just as eloquently proclaim the mercies of the Lord.  I loved this man though. I still love this man.  God gave me a love that has never wavered, truly a miracle.

Truth again — We were lost.

Several years of dating, sixteen years of marriage and our “eyes became wide OPEN”.

In August of 2012 eyes wide shut became eyes wide open.  On that Sunday it was evident that our marriage was not what I thought.  At that moment in time I realized that my husband was a sex addict and had dealt and lived with this addiction for the last 27 years.  It was evident that day that self-reliance had taken a toll on him and myself.

Acts 11:19-21:

19 Now those who had been scattered by the persecution that broke out when Stephen was killed traveled as far as Phoenicia, Cyprus and Antioch, spreading the word only among Jews. 20 Some of them, however, men from Cyprus and Cyrene, went to Antioch and began to speak to Greeks also, telling them the good news about the Lord Jesus. 21 The Lord’s hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord.

Satan’s plans backfire just like above.  Persecution was meant to hurt, to stop what God had planned instead it is the very thing that sparked the spread of his word.

Satan had planned to destroy my husband’s life and our marriage.  In most instances with these offenses Satan would have probably won, however he did not account for what would happen next.

See we had both lived a life of self-reliance never surrendering to the Lord’s will, never developing the relationship that he so desperately wanted and that we could have had if we would have talked to him.  How do you talk to him?  Through living in prayer and in the word with him we had done neither.

Where God Met Us!

The one person I had loved more than anyone or anything had betrayed me.  When I heard the words that told the story of a life of pornography and years and years of monthly visits with prostitutes we collapsed.  Collapsed because it had zapped every bit of energy in our legs that we had.  Collapsed because it felt like we were being punched in the gut over and over.  Collapsed because “on the floor flat” before the Lord is exactly where Jesus wanted us to be.

My husband and I on that Sunday morning at 11:30 am fell to the floor him first with his hands around my ankles, me next broken over him prayed to God asking him to HELP US.

We had no idea how to get through this but we had been taught that when life was touch to call on his name.  We were relying on this to be true.  We were hoping this to be true.  It’s all we had.  We felt helpless as a couple, I felt worthless, wounded and as if I wanted to die.

We had to live out 1 John 1:8-9.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

He Has Delivered.

We very quickly met a God that was loving, authoritative, just, full of grace, mercy and forgiving.  A God that desires my husband and I to be head over heals in love with him, surrendered to him, free from the weights of addictions, self-reliance, pain, hurt and pride.

A God that is sovereign with “the plan” not just a plan.

Today 190 days later, we have studied the bible together, talked about what it means to us, and how it applies to our life.  We have prayed each morning before starting our day and prayed each night before closing our eyes.   Constant prayer and surrendering to the Lord is the only reason our marriage has survived this deep hurt.  We have had to put on the full armor of God.

Isaiah 43:18-19 was given to us on the fifth morning after.

18 “Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

We have clung to this verse like nothing else ever in our life.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle a little 6 months out now.  I still struggle with “forgetting the former things”.  Can you relate?  I still struggle with not “dwelling on things of the past”.  Anyone else?  The questions of my husband’s secret life of sex addictions mystify me.  I can’t believe that I lived all that time not knowing.  I’m hurt.

Although I still hurt, I am here to tell you, all women, anyone who has suffered from deep hurt and pain, that God does bring forth new life.  My husband is a new creation and I’m a new creation.  God has provided us a path in the wilderness and we’ve been walking through it with him.  he has led us to the river that quenches and has quenched our thirst like we never imagined.

God gave us the Holy Spirit to empower us for messy situations just like this one!  Messed to Blessed.

I recently heard Beth Moore during a Wednesday night bible study say, “The power of the resurrection trumps the power of the past if we are willing to let it”.

Praise God!  The old is gone and new life begins with surrendering to the Lord.  Our eyes are now very wide open.

It’s unfortunate that we had lived out in all of our life before and after marriage, 2 Timothy 3:7.

7 always learning but never able to come to knowledge of the truth.

We now want a teachable spirit, want to listen to the voice of wisdom and listen to him.

I continue to pray Proverbs 3:3-4.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

On Day 190 this is my story.  I’m not a writer.  I’m a failed out English major from a private university, but I have a story to tell and I have felt compelled to tell it.  I want every woman who has felt this hurt, for every man who so desires to choose to be the spiritual leader God is calling him to be, and for every couple that is living in a self-reliant marriage headed down a self-destructing path to know there are struggles, but there is HOPE.  I welcome you to join me in this journey I will begin next week a weekly journal from day one till now.  I hope somehow I can encourage someone.

God has more for you- he can turn messes into blessings!