A Heart in Tug of War


 “The heart that has been crushed beyond all recognition and the heart that still loves are in constant tug of war.”

Say what?  Shock is what it was.   We quickly became flat on the floor, crying and weeping.  We were the kind of flat that maybe a servant would display before their king.  We were the kind of flat where you don’t want to and maybe even can’t look up.  Maybe we were waiting on God to reach down and lift our face up—I’m not sure, but we eventually looked up and have since tried to fix our eyes on him.

Last August our eyes became wide open, before each other and before God.  On August 17th five days after a week of revelation into my husband’s other life, I began journaling.  All (or most) had been revealed on August 12th of a 27 year sexual addiction and the interesting thing is we headed straight to the word.  We did not know what else to do.  The very next morning on August 13th we began waking at 6, grabbing a cup of coffee and meeting back in the living room to begin our bible study.  Who knew Jesus Calling the bible Study would become such a ministry in our lives.  I hope to be able to share and tell Sarah Young one day how thankful I am that she followed the call of God on her life.

One bible study at a time has brought us to today.  I’m not saying that they haven’t been filled with tears, questions, and tons of heart ache but we have not given up.  Our time in the word has brought us to today DAY 197-Praise God.

My hope and prayer is that women who are enduring or has endured what I’m going through will somehow take encouragement from my words and what the Lord is doing in our lives. 

Here are my journal entries for the First two weeks:

August 17th:

Today God gave us Isaiah 43: 18-19,

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, [and] rivers in the desert.

We immediately knew this was our verse, we have clung to it ever since.

August 20th:

Even though I have had remarkable times with the Lord and amazingly enough also with my husband I feel such and overwhelming sense of hurt, anger, loneliness, resentment, and disgust.  I can’t stop thinking about him in bed with all of these other women.  Satan constantly reminds me that I’m now, or he wants me to think that I’m now his last choice since he was caught.  Satan wants me to think that the only reason he is changing is because he was caught.  Satan also wants me to feel that the last week of closeness I have felt with my Lord is not real.  When will Satan stop reminding me of all that has happened?  I feel like I could move on one day if I could just forget everything that has happened.  How do I wipe this from my memory?  How long will this take? How long?


August 21st:

Today in my Jesus Calling devotional it talks about how the Lord has chosen the path that I’m on.  It is both a privileged and a perilous way.

Today I’m realizing that a ton of the Old Testament tells about God’s promises to his people and what he is doing for them, a lot of going away from the Lord and coming back.  Oh God, take us back and don’t let my husband and I go.

 Today I’m reminded that God is a redeemer.  I’m reminded that he makes beautiful out of horrible and does all things well!  God has truly shown us who he is and what we mean to him.  I’m constantly reminded and here is where I’m getting bogged down, that I will receive much more joy if I forgive than hold onto this hurt.  How do I let go?  As the song by Mathew West says, “I’ll be the one loosing if I don’t”.

How, How?

August 23:

My thoughts.  Geesh… the Lord is reminding me today that I have to FORGIVE- once again.  I keep telling him that I just have gone through the biggest tragedy of my life, and it’s too soon!  He has reminded me today that I have to die to self to forgive.  Just like Christ.  Lord help me.

Dear Heavenly Father you remind me of things constantly, I’m in over load.  I need to remember the pledge you made to us.  You picked us up and have taken us in.  Thank you.

Today a friend sent me Jeremiah 24:6, 7

6. For I will set mine eyes upon them for good, and I will bring them again to this land: and I will build them, and not pull [them] down; and I will plant them, and not pluck [them] up. 7. And I will give them a heart to know me, that I [am] the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

Wow, what a verse, this has to be my prayer for my husband.   Dear Lord give my husband a heart to know you, please pull him in so he will be your people and you can be his God.  Create in him a new relationship between you and him.  Give me a new husband.  I pray he returns to you with his whole heart.

August 24th

Two weeks of bible study today, two weeks of a breaking heart.  Dear Lord deliver me from this misery.

Today this verse landed in my life!

Fear thou not; for I [am] with   thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I   will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my   righteousness.

 Oh Jesus let this be true.  I need your strength, I need your help and   I need you to hold me, not just hold me for Pete sakes, I need you to help me get out of bed.  God I feel like I’m dying down here.  Please hold me with your right hand of righteousness and anything else you have!!!!

 Well, those are the first two   weeks of thoughts from a girl that was just trying to make it through every day, just trying to even get out of the bed!    This has been the hardest thing in my life that I‘ve ever had to deal with.  I have been crushed, my heart   still needs so much repair, however; I’m in full belief that my God is big enough to do it.

 Dear heavenly father, I ask you to help me and help every woman or spouse that has ever had to feel the hurt we feel.  The heart that has been crushed beyond all recognition and the heart that still loves are in constant tug of war.  God, please   help the heart that loves to win.  Help my heart to learn to love as you do.  You have already forgiven; help me to forgive as you have forgiven me.  Amen.







About Mess To Blessed

Wife and mother, head over heals in love with husband and daughter. August of 2012, my life changed as all that was known was revealed to be a lie. A husbands life of sexual addictions had reared its ugly head and there were choices to be made. Praise the Lord, God met us where we were! Here is my story of "on-going" FAITH!

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