Monthly Archives: March 2013

I feel like I don’t belong.


“I belong to a God that has not left me through this time in my life. I belong to a savior that amidst all trials, struggles, and tribulations has loved me and never wavered.  I am his child and I belong to him.  I belong.”


“I feel like I don’t belong”.

I feel like I have not belonged.  I feel like throughout the last 8 months I have been caged in someone else’s story, someone else’s life, and someone else’s misery.

I have thought, “This is not my life, it couldn’t be”.  The thing is… it was and it is.

God knew this would be my life.  God knew what these 8 months were going to hold for my husband and I.  The Lord knew the struggles he would go through to resist the temptations of his former sexual addiction, he knew the feelings I would have of betrayal,  and he knew the love that he would pour out on us.

The love he has shown us, I do belong to.  I belong to a God that has not left me through this time in my life. I belong to a savior that amidst all trials, struggles, and tribulations has loved me and never wavered.  I am his child and I belong to him.  I belong.

I continue this blog with journal entries picking up at the end of last August, just weeks after realizing my husband’s addiction and realizing just how far from God we had driven ourselves.


8-28-12: A little over two weeks after.

And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb.  And the spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come.  Whoever desires let him take the water of life freely.  Revelation 22:1, 17 NKJV)

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”  Revelation 21:4 NKJV


God reminds me every day just as I thirst for water for my earthly body, I should thirst for his word and him in my life and that in both ways only he the author and creator of our world can quench. Powerful God we serve!


1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.

Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Oh God that is what I claim!


Today the Casting Crown song comes on, The Voice of Truth.  This song really says it all.  Jesus is the voice of truth and I choose to listen and believe despite my sufferings.


Today is one month from life crashing down around me as I knew it.  One month from God grabbing us up from the trenches of sin and loving us!

The Lord gave us this scripture today, this is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.  Isaiah 30:15

Oh God I want it!

Also, the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divign power to demolish strongholds.

I pray every day Lord that you will demolish any strongholds in mine and my husbands life.

My husband decided to resign as our Sunday school teacher.  I’m so glad.  I’m ready to just be members of the class with him.  I just can’t sit under him teaching any more.  This will give us time to heal and learn together under another teacher.

God reminds me today that the lies we have held on to are nothing in the shadow of the cross. Praise God.

Also today a friend sent to me a reminder of the verse where Jesus tells someone that he must forgive 70 times 7.  My prayer is that I can do this.


I turned on the contemporary Christian music station this morning and the song playing is titled…”Seventy times Seven” the very song my friend shared with me yesterday.


Dear heavenly father, I was made to fulfill a purpose, please show me that purpose.  I can’t understand why this had to be my life, and why I have to go through these, messy, dirty, awful struggles.  Thank you that your glory does meet my suffering.


“I’m still crying out the very same thing.  Lord I want my heartache to heal and for this to all go away, but ultimately, I want your will to be done


Does Jesus know my suffering, does he understand what I’m going through?

What I couldn’t see within the first month of this new pain was that Jesus knew what I was going through.  Now 227 days later I can see that Jesus walked on earth and was human, although perfect, but Human.

Jesus experienced suffering.  We think of the cross as the only place of sacrifice that he made.  Sacrifices weren’t just made on the cross; it began when he descended from heaven to earth.  Jesus gave up being with his father.  The greatest of riches and the beauty of the highest court didn’t and still today does not compare to what he left in Heaven.

It all began in the manger.  His life was walking sacrifices here on earth.  He was obedient in the face of suffering.  Have I been?  Are we?  Jesus learned through sufferings.  Think about the garden of Gethsemane.  He was so stressed that blood vessels in his forehead were popping. Jesus cried out…Lord if there is any other way, take this cup away from me…but let your will prevail.

I’m still crying out the very same thing.  Lord I want my heartache to heal and for this to all go away, but ultimately, I want your will to be done.

Friends, there is no situation in life where we can say; God doesn’t know what this is like.  He does.  He knows.  He sees.  He desires to be an integral part of it and he has a plan.

Jesus was obedient in the face of the most extreme suffering–Something to really think about as we near Easter Sunday.

Lord help me be obedient during my time of suffering, give me your strength.


“I’m not alone, and I do belong.”